Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome aboard this flight 1506
from London, Heathrow to JFK, New York.
Currently third in line for take-off,
we're expected to be in the air in approximately 10 minutes.
- Excuse me, do you mind...
Please turn off all personal
electronic devices, including laptops and mobile phones.
Smoking is prohibited for the duration of the flight.
It is, it definitely is.
- So, what are we supposed to do?
The poor man paid for business class
so he didn't have to have dickheads like us
coming up to him and ruining his journey.
- Oh, he won't mind.
Surely it's nice when people come up to you
and say nice things.
- It's annoying.
- Why is it annoying?
I wouldn't find it annoying.
- Who's going to come up to you and say nice things?
- I don't know, but if they did,
I wouldn't find it annoying.
- It's probably not even him.
- It is definitely him.
- You can't say for definite.
It's probably just someone who looks like him.
Look, his nose is different, it's bigger.
- Uh, your nose gets bigger when you get older,
everyone knows that.
It's definitely him.
- What are you doing?
- I'm gonna go and say hello.
-No, don't.
- Why?
Don't, Arabella!
- Hi, hi, um, I'm really sorry to bother you, you know,
this is really sad and, are you Calvin Cooper?
- I might be.
- I'm gonna sound like such an idiot
but my mum is a huge fan of yours,
she has all your films at home.
- Your mom?
- God, this is weird.
I don't normally do things like this and, and now I'm here,
I don't actually know what to say.
God, I sound like such a weirdo, I'm sorry,
it's just, um, maybe you could sign something.
- What would you like me to sign?
- I don't know, I don't even have a pen, um,
I'haven't really thought this through.
- Tell you what, uh, maybe once we get up in the air,
I'll let you suck me off in the bathroom, how's that sound?
- Seatbelt sign's on.
Probably best get back to your seat, I'll get you a photo.
Really?
Did you see the look on her face?
- Jesus, Calvin, haven't you picked up
a newspaper in the past couple of years?
How many times do we need to go through this?
You can't say that shit.
- You know, the amazing thing is,
three times out of 10, it actually works.
It used to be eight of 10.
I don't know if that's about me or society.
- The march of progress.
- Come on, lighten up, she deserves it
after pulling that crap about her mom.
Cheeky little bitch.
- You should get some rest.
- Okay, grandma.
Uh, I should get a proper drink is what I should I get.
Anybody?
Oh, hi, can I have a drink, please?
- Refreshments will be available after take-off.
- We're in business class.
- I'm sorry, as soon as we're in the air, I'll come...
- Do you recognise me?
- Excuse me?
- Oh, sorry, I think you, I don't wanna,
I don't wanna make a scene, but I fly a lot on your airline,
and I dropped two and a half K
to travel business class on this flight,
which I am taking to collect a humanitarian award
for all the charity work that I do.
I don't want to toot my own horn,
but I'm an important person
and I know a lot of other important people,
so uh, Janet, if you could find it in your heart
to hook me up, I am a nervous flyer,
and I would just a small drink to settle me down.
I don't need a glass, just slip me
a couple of miniature JDs will be golden.
Thanks.
Fucking trolley dollies.
I'm sorry, did you want one?
-No, I'm okay.
- Oh, just cheap bastards, aren't they?
Couldn't pony up for first class.
I mean, look at this.
It's not the way it used to be, the way they squeeze you in,
any prick in a suit flies business.
It's not like the old days, you had to be someone.
Is that your man?
- Yep.
- Are you married?
- No. - Kids?
- Not yet.
- Still have time for me then.
Wow, you don't like me, do you?
- What do you mean?
- Oh, come on, I've had warmer conversations
with my ex-wife, she's been dead for 11 years.
You just have to know how to handle me, that's all.
I mean, what do you do, do you draw straws?
- Excuse me?
- To see who gets stuck with old Cal?
- Calvin, working with you is always a pleasure.
Oh, you should work in PR.
You know, I'm not that bad.
I've been with Caroline almost 20 years.
Okay, I like to, you know, push a button or two
and she sends me those ditzy little posh girls
that nod at me like Indian carpet salesmen
and have teeth like refrigerator doors.
But they've had their whole lifetime, you know,
having it easy, they deserve a tough time.
You must know a lot about that.
I mean, if someone's gonna let you push your luck,
you push your luck, you know what I mean?
- Yeah, I do.
- Someone has to lie down
in order for you to walk all over ‘em.
- Don't worry, Calvin, I won't be lying down.
- Well, that's a shame.
So, what's your story?
Yeah, you didn't ride in from Knightsbridge on your pony.
-No, I did not.
Um, South African mom, American dad,
grew up in Philadelphia.
- I had an aunt from Philadelphia, tough broad,
the kind of woman you'd send in to break up a prison riot.
- Sounds like my kind of lady.
- You're a peach.
Never let it be said that being an asshole
doesn't get you what you want.
- No thanks.
- Oh, come on, don't abstain on my account.
If I had to sit next to me for an entire flight,
I would take what I can get, do it.
Mm.
Oh, shit.
Oh God, what the hell?
I hate blocked numbers, they make me paranoid.
- I'm really sorry, sir,
you're gonna have to turn off the phone.
- I'l just be two seconds.
- I'm afraid we're about to take off.
- Like I said, two seconds.
Excuse me, sir, is there a problem?
- Not that I'm aware of.
I'd just like to answer my phone,
if that's all right with you.
- All mobile devices must be switched
to aeroplane mode for the duration.
- What's gonna happen?
We're sitting on the fucking tarmac,
we can't exactly fall out of the sky.
- They'll leave a message.
I'm sorry about that.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain.
There's a bit of congestion in front of us
but we hope to be on our way shortly.
- So, how did a Philadelphia girl end up in this game?
- 1 enjoy it.
It makes the most of my natural talents.
- Which are?
- Lying and drinking.
Ran away to the big city,
seeking fortune and glory?
- Something like that.
- Why?
- Why what?
- Why'd you run away?
-Do you care?
-Do I have to?
Look, we're stuck together for the next seven hours,
we might as well get to know each other.
I'l go first.
I was born in Butthole, Nowhere to a half-Irish dad
who sold cutlery and hated his life.
Mom bagged groceries and just stayed out of his way.
I was always the smart asshole punk,
which is how I ended up doing this.
I started off in the theatre in New York, and I loved it.
The smell of it, women, hm,
makeup, sweat, cigarettes, women.
I' mean, I had no idea what I was doing,
but it didn't matter.
I grew a beard, I started chain smoking pot
and I just growled my way through it.
I mean, no craft in sight.
And all the theatre snobs were up in arms.
But everybody else just went crazy for it,
‘cause they were looking for something real, you know.
That was the thing in those days, you had to be authentic.
And these days, a character actor's what?
He's like the fat friend no one wants to have sex with,
but back then, front and centre.
And the bigger an asshole you were,
the more authentic it was.
And if there is anything that I do well, it's be an asshole.
I mean, screw vocal warmups, you wanna be taken seriously?
Spend your morning dropping acid and banging hookers.
I mean, can you imagine that these days
with these pretty little pricks
with their arms and their tights,
they're not allowed to eat any carbs,
they're always terrified they're gonna get in trouble.
- With people like me?
- You're the ones who get us out of trouble, aren't you?
Go ahead.
- What?
- That wasn't free.
Okay, um, my mom never worked.
She was one of those women that just got men
to do things for her, if you know what I mean.
- I know exactly what you mean.
- So, after her and my dad got married, she never had a job.
I mean, she tried a couple of times, never lasted.
So, my dad had to work his ass off to keep us going
whilst she did her thing, and everybody loved her,
except the people who love her.
You still with me?
- You kidding me?
It's gonna be on my tombstone.
- So, as soon as I could, I got myself this job
at a deli counter a few blocks up from our house.
And I'm working with this older woman one day
and I have a flashback and suddenly I'm like five years old
and I'm watching my mom buy pickles off the same woman.
And I knew it was her ‘cause she had this weird growth
on her eyelid that looked like a Rice Krispie,
and my sister was scared of her
‘cause she thought she was a witch.
And it just suddenly hit me that this woman
had spent my entire life selling pickles.
I'd gone through puberty, lost my virginity,
learned to drive, got kicked out high school,
and during this entire time
she'd just been there selling pickles.
I mean, fuck me, so I got on a bus.
- Good for you.
- I met Caroline when I was waitressing at a function.
She was running the New York office.
She was looking after a client
who got a bit greedy with the champagne
and decided to go for a swim in the chocolate fountain.
I helped sneak them out the service entrance.
A week later I showed up at her office and asked for a job.
She let me make coffee for a month for free.
- I admire that.
That's a little hustle.
It's a dying art these days.
- Caroline moved back to the London office,
and asked if I wanted to come.
My sister was already there, so...
- Nothing to keep you in New York?
- Nothing.
See, told you they'd leave a message.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we do apologise for the delay.
There's just been a bit of congestion on the runway
but we'll be in the air very shortly.
- Calvin, where are you go... - Two seconds!
- Oh, Jesus!
- Two seconds.
- Oh, Calvin.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we're currently next in line for take-off
and should be in airborne in two minutes.
- Daddy, I don't like it.
- Oh, come on, darling, don't be silly.
-I'm scared.
- Well, there's nothing to be scared of.
- Is this your first time on a plane?
How exciting.
You know the best bit is take-off,
it's like a rollercoaster.
What's your name?
- Penny.
- Penny, that's a cute name.
I used to have a cat called Penny.
And you look a little bit like her.
And who's that?
- Daisy.
- Well, I'm Robyn, now I can tell you a secret?
Can you lean in so daddy can't hear?
Okay, so, your dad told me that he's actually
way more scared than he makes out,
s0 you need to be really, really brave
to keep him distracted, so he's not too scared okay?
Just sing songs, make silly faces,
tell jokes, anything you can think of,
just to make sure he's all right, okay?
And you can do that, I promise everything will be...
- Sir, I'm gonna need you to return to your seat.
Sir?
- All right?
- Thank you.
Sir?
- Madam, the seatbelt sign is on.
- I'm with him.
Cal?
- Madam, this is under control.
- He's a nervous flyer.
- You need to return to your seat.
- I'm trying to help.
- Sir, please open the door.
- Calvin!
Robyn?
- What?
- Bobby?
Holy shit, I thought it was you.
Uh, it's Jamie.
- Jamie?
- Uh, this is crazy.
I was just thinking about you guys the other day.
- Madam.
- Oh my God, this is,
he went out with my sister in high school for what?
Like two years?
- It was almost three.
- Okay, but I'm gonna need you to return to your seat.
- Sir.
- Calvin!
- Business class, wow.
Nice, way to go.
- Madam.
- Please stop calling me madam,
I'm not a French brothel owner.
Sir!
- Sir, we cannot take off without you in your seat.
- Great to see you doing so well for yourself.
- Thanks.
- Sir!
- Madam!
- Calvin!
- Thank you.
- Is tha, is that Calvin Cooper?
Uh, uh, no, yeah, it was great seeing you-
- Yes.
- Why don't we have a drink...
- Great to see you, okay.
What was that about?
You better have volcanic diarrhoea,
‘cause if I find out you were doing coke in there.
Hey, Cal.
Cabin crew, please be seated for take-off.
- I need another drink, hurry.
- No, we're taking off, sit down, sit down.
He doesn't like flying either.
I don't know what's going on with you
but you need to roll your neck in
or they're gonna throw us off the goddamn plane.
- I think something bad might have happened.
- Christ, what now?
We haven't even taken off yet.
- The, um, voicemail I received was the police.
- Okay.
- And they told me to call them back immediately,
they said it was urgent.
- Well, I'm sure it's—- - Ah, damn it.
That stupid Latvian bitch!
- What are you talking about?
- Oh, my cleaning woman yesterday,
she dropped my laptop in the sink.
-So?
- So I wasn't there, and she panicked
‘cause she couldn't get it started.
So she took it to the computer repair place.
- And?
- Damn it, I should have told her
to just like march back in there and get it back,
but how's that gonna look, you know?
- What are you telling me?
- I'm just, I'm saying, you know what
it's like at the moment for people like me?
It's a fucking witch hunt.
- What's on the computer, Calvin?
- No, nothing, it's, you know,
I didn't put it there.
- Tell me now exactly, please.
- Pictures.
- What sort of pictures?
- Not good ones.
- How not good?
- Really not good ones, Robyn.
Christ, about as not good as you can fucking get, all right?
- Okay, fine, it's gonna be fine.
We can deal with this.
- Deal with it?
How are we gonna fucking deal with it, Robyn?
- Research.
It's research for a role.
It's a part in a film, and you've been researching it
trying to get under the skin
of the character to understand it.
- Okay.
- So, we need a film, a role, and a story.
We land in six and a half hours.
If the police know, that means the people in the shop know,
and if the people in the shop know, likelihood is by now
one of our friends in the media will know.
- Oh, God.
- So, we need our story tightly bound,
laminated, and carved into fucking stone tablets
ready to present from the moment we land
and your phone starts ringing.
How long have they been there?
- What?
- The pictures.
-Hm, I don't know.
- Come on, Cal, a month, a year?
- Yeah, it's a new computer,
it's probably eight, nine months.
- Okay, good.
That's good.
Do you trust your agent?
- Mickey?
- To the extent that he'd lie for you in court if necessary?
- I don't know, maybe.
- Okay, is he married?
Kids?
- Three.
- Great.
Do you know any stories that would bring a swift
and expensive end to that happy union?
- Let's say I know a few.
- Fine, I'm sure we can rely on his help.
Sit here, don't fuck anything else up.
- What are you gonna do?
- My job.
Excuse me, um, I need to make a couple of phone calls?
- You can access the onboard Wi-Fi
to iMessage and email, but I'm afraid
for the comfort of our other passengers,
we do not allow voice calls during the flight.
- Right, um, it's kind of important.
- I'm sorry, madam.
- Is there a passenger phone or?
- I'm afraid not, madam.
A survey in 2014 indicated that our customers
didn't actually want the ability to use their phones
during the flight as they enjoyed the sanctuary of quiet.
- Right, got it, no phones, thank you.
I need your credit card.
- Why?
- To access the onboard Wi-Fi.
- Do you have any idea how much they charge for that?
I'm just saying, take it, take it all.
- Thanks.
- Robyn, God, thanks for phoning, look...
- I'm not calling to talk about anything.
- No, wait...
- Mark, forget it, I don't have time to talk about it,
I don't want to talk about,
I just need you to answer some questions, okay?
Is there any way of backdating an email?
- What?
- Say I needed to make an email look like
it was sent months ago, is there any way to do it?
- What's it for?
- Does it matter?
- Well, it sounds kind of dodgy.
- Mark, just answer the question.
- Okay, okay, relax.
Um, just let me think.
Okay, I mean, maybe if you changed the local clock
on the computer and then cleared the cache
so that the email was fresh,
so maybe when you sent the message
it would show up in your sent folder
with the amended time and date, but really
- Clock, cache, okay.
-No, no, no, Robyn, just wait, we should...
- No, we shouldn't.
- Robyn!
Look, you may not need to talk about this
or want to listen to me, and that's fine, okay,
but I do, so just, just the other night
I was so drunk and my head was... - Mark.
- I love your sister so bloody much and I'm just sorry...
- Have you spoken to her?
She won't return my messages.
- I mean, she's really pissed
but I think you two will be fine.
I mean, you always are, right?
- I gotta go.
- Okay.
- Hey, can you talk?
I gotta be quick, I'm on a plane with Calvin.
- Oh, shit, I forgot you were given the suicide shift.
How's it going?
- I've broken through to a whole new circle of hell.
I really need help.
- What can I do?
- I need a writer, someone we've got something on,
something heavy like black bin bag stuff,
anyone who will go on record to say
they've been talking to Calvin about a project.
- What project?
- The one he's been recently researching online.
- Oh, Lord.
How thorough is his research?
- 1 get the horrible feeling it's been pretty thorough.
- Christ.
I just don't understand it.
All these old dudes, I mean,
how do they even find this stuff?
I've seen my dad trying to use a computer.
He just sits there, hitting the track pad
with his doughy paw like one of the monkeys from 2001.
Madam, please open the door.
- Just a sec.
I gotta go.
- Okay, leave it with me.
- Were you using a mobile phone?
-No, I was having a pee.
- Madam, I could hear you talking.
- I talk to myself while I pee.
It helps get things moving.
I'have a shy bladder.
- Well, just for your information,
toilets are not to be used for making phone calls.
Anyone caught doing so will have their phone confiscated
and could face criminal charges.
- Understood.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the crew will shortly be come around the cabin...
Give me your phone.
- What?
- Your phone.
I'll put my number in and then you can decide
whether or not you wanna get in contact
with a lowlife like me
now you're all fancy and business class.
- Oh, shut up.
- I looked for you on Facebook.
- I'm not on Facebook.
- See?
It's fancy.
- Okay, enough, enough.
Look, I'm emailing you right now, done.
Boom.
- Hey, so how is Ruth?
- She's great.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, she's good.
- Oh, is she with anyone?
- Uh, married, kids, two of them.
- Insane. - Yeah.
- 1 just got engaged like three weeks ago.
Congratulations.
- To Pamela Stephens.
- Fuck off!
Puffy Pam?
- Puffy Pam.
- Fuck off!
- No, seriously.
Puffy Pam's not so puffy anymore.
So plus, uh, we got one of these, uh, little Dino.
- Now, he is puffy.
- Yeah, he is kind of puffy, right?
He gets that from his mom.
There's one of them together.
- Damn, Puffy Pam got hot.
- Yeah, Puffy Pam got hot.
- It's awesome.
- How about you?
- Uh, yeah, I'm with someone.
- Kids?
- Not yet.
- Hey, look, don't get me wrong.
I' mean, I love the little guy.
But, seriously, my one piece of advice
is like hold off for as long as you can,
‘cause once those guys turn up, it's over.
I mean, this is like a three day business trip for me
and I have never been so excited by an empty hotel room
with 24 hour room service in my life.
Yeah, rock and roll.
Hey, uh, listen, I heard about what happened with your mom.
I'm sorry.
- Thanks.
- It must have been tough on you guys.
You know, I mean, I loved your mom.
It's just I know how Ruth found it.
You both had a lot to deal with.
- Yeah, yeah, right, um, look,
I've got a lot of work I need to get on with, so.
- Yeah, I mean, you don't get to fly business class
sitting on your ass like me, so.
- Yeah.
- Okay, got it.
Andrew McCormack, we helped him cover up
three illegitimate children.
- Three?
Philandering Catholicism do not happy bedfellows make.
His wife doesn't even know about it,
so he'd be pretty amenable, I'm sure.
- You're a star.
I need a treatment, couple of pages,
story about a sex offender in his 50s.
If anyone asks, it's a project that Cal's
been discussing with him for longer than nine months.
- Nine months, got it.
- And I need this in two hours, is that doable?
- I'll be persuasive.
- Tight ring around this one, for my eyes only.
- I'll be model of discretion.
- Crap. - What?
- I'm on the toilet.
- What?
- Madam, if you don't open the door,
I'l be forced to take action.
- I may be incommunicado for a little while.
Needless to say, no paper trail.
- You know this is highly illegal, right?
-Yip.
- Just checking.
- Please return to your seat.
- Of course.
Sorry.
Hey.
- Hey, long time no see.
Hey, check this out, uh,
I was looking through some old photos
- Could I borrow your laptop for a minute?
- Oh, uh, sure.
- I need to send some really urgent emails
and I just had my phone confiscated.
- You just had your phone confiscated?
- 1 won't be long.
- Uh, yeah, no, of course.
- Gosh, you're amazing, I will be right back.
- All right, take your time.
- Oh no, wait, wait, wait, wait, um, no,
I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna show you this.
- God, is that really us?
- Yeah.
- Roo looks like a baby.
What happened?
- Well, we got old.
Well, at least I did.
I mean, you barely look any different.
- Please.
Excuse me.
- Oh, I should, I should...
- Yeah, right, go, go, go.
- Thank you.
Oh God.
Hi, hello?
Um, I don't suppose you saw where my friend Calvin went?
- Um, I think he went to the bathroom or something.
You know earlier, what he said,
he doesn't really want me to?
- No, no, he was just kidding.
- Could I still get a picture, though?
- Can I have privacy please?
- Right, call security.
- Don't call security.
A plane Nazi, take it easy.
- You're smoking a cigarette, sir.
- Wait, okay, stop.
Please.
- Of course it's you.
Right, this is the last straw.
I'll be reporting both of you.
- Okay, everyone just stay calm.
- Oh, don't tell me to stay calm.
- Calvin, put the cigarette out and get back to your seat.
- I'm nervous and this calms me down.
Get out.
-Do it now or so help me God I will end you.
- You need to return to your seat, madam.
Your behaviour will be reported to the authorities
and you can explain it to them when we land.
- Can we just have a quick chat in private?
- I have no interest in, whoa, whoa, whoa,
take your hands off me.
- Okay, Pan Am, listen hard,
‘cause I'm gonna talk really quickly.
You're gonna climb out of my ass
and you're not gonna report
or even mention any of this to anyone ever.
No authorities and certainly no press,
and the reason you're not gonna do this
is because if you do, I will own you.
By the end of the week, there will be a headline
on page three of The Sun in big block capitals
with your face splashed all over it.
Now, that headline might be,
Flying High, Flight Attendant Accused of Drug Abuse.
It might be, Right Wing Flight Attendant
Accused of Racist Outburst.
Who knows, it could even be, Roger, the Cabin Boy,
Flight Attendant Accused of Buggering Passengers.
That will depend on which one of your close friends
tried to fuck you over first for a bit of cash
and what type of dirt I dig up on you.
And believe me, there is dirt, there's always dirt,
whether I need a black light and UV goggles to find it.
And guess what, if there isn't any,
and you really are Mother Teresa,
then I'll just make something up
because nobody gives two cold craps about proof these days.
That's why stories play on the front page
and apologies and retractions languish
at the bottom of page 27.
Do we have an understanding?
- Are you trying to blackmail me?
- I'm not trying anything.
The word try implies that there
is some latitude in the outcome.
I am warning you.
Stay out of my way and I'll stay out of yours.
Now, seeing as you how you confiscated my phones,
is there somewhere I can make a call?
Thank you. - Yeah.
Oh, it's nine for an outside line.
- Do you mind?
- Ooh, sorry.
- Hey. - What?
- Sorry, I didn't mean, I heard you in here
so I thought, um, I was gonna ask,
you're with Calvin Cooper, right?
- What?
- You're travelling with him, what's he like?
Nice guy?
-He's a cunt.
- Oh, ha, right, yeah, I mean, he seems like a nice guy,
you know, you just get that vibe off some people.
I' mean, is he a friend of yours?
- A client.
- Client, look at you.
Fancy.
- Yeah, fancy.
I'm fancy now, Jamie.
Is there something you need?
- Uh, do you think maybe you could get me an autograph?
It's for Pam, it's just she's a-
- Yeah, sure thing?
Is there something else?
Because I really need to...
- Oh no, great, thanks.
Uh, you go for it.
- Hi, Melody, it's me.
Robyn, hi, how's the trip all going?
- I need a story seeded.
Right, sure, okay, um,
is there a particular journalist
you'd like me to contact or?
- It's just a media chatter piece,
so Simon Pinchon at Metro would be good.
But you can't go to him directly or he'll smell a rat.
It's really delicate.
He needs to find out himself.
If I remember correctly,
he goes out with this actress called Siobhan.
Okay.
- She's in her final year at Central,
which means tonight she'll be drinking at the Swiss Pub.
It's the only decent place
to get a drink within a mile radius.
How do you know she'll be drinking?
- Because she's an actor.
Look, take some petty cash, go to the Swiss,
and sit near every 5'4" redhead you can find,
talking loudly about the fact
that Calvin Cooper's going to be playing a sex offender
in a new Andrew McCormack film.
Uh, Calvin Cooper and...
- Are you writing this down?
Yes.
- Don't write it down.
Oh, okay, sorry.
- Have you got it?
Yeah, um, how do you know it's gonna work?
- Melody, if you want gossip spread,
tell it to a bunch of actors.
Got ya.
- Okay, I know this is gonna sound weird, uh,
but we haven't seen each other in like 100 years.
- I'm in the middle of something.
- Yeah, I know, okay, right, but what I was gonna say is,
seeing as you're in town, Pam and I
are having some engagement drinks tomorrow night.
It's like an hour out of town,
and you can stay with us and there'll be...
Robyn?
- A whole bunch of people from high school there.
- Jamie, this is really important.
- Okay, that was kind of important too, uh, to me anyway.
But uh, it doesn't matter.
Uh, no, it's cool, it's cool, it's cool.
Uh, if you could just drop the laptop off when you're done,
I need to finish this report before I land.
Robyn?
- Yep, I'm here.
Call Eve, tell her I need that email ASAP.
And just to give you a heads up,
it might get a bit hectic for a few days
so you might wanna make some space.
Right, will do.
Robyn?
- Yeah.
Are you okay?
- What?
Are you all right?
You sound strange.
-I'mfine.
It's gonna be fine.
Ladies and gentlemen,
as you'll have noticed,
the captain has turned on the seatbelt sign,
as we will shortly be beginning our descent.
Please make sure your seatbelt is securely fastened
and seat backs and tray tables
are in their full upright position, thank you.
- Did you know that planes are legally obliged
to have ashtrays in the toilets
even though you haven't been allowed
to smoke on them since the '80s?
It's ‘cause in 1973, some guy left a cigarette
in a bin and it caught on fire,
the plane crashed, killed 123 people.
So, even though you're not allowed to smoke,
they still have ashtrays because they know that people will.
They legislate for it, they facilitate it.
Such is the inevitability of human weakness.
This is your captain speaking.
We've begun our descent to JFK,
and weather conditions are a little rough over New York,
so we may experience a few bumps en route.
On behalf of myself and the crew,
I'd like to thank you for travelling with us today.
- Do you ever get the feeling there's two people inside you?
The normal human being and you're supposed to do things
like chat and love people, care, do Christmas,
be part of some kind of society of other human beings.
And then there's this other thing,
this goblin that just kind of hovers behind.
It doesn't understand, doesn't care,
just wants to destroy everything.
And then the first guy covers and smiles and repairs,
allowing the goblin to keep doing the terrible things
that he does over and over and over again.
The first guy helps the goblin get away with it,
and the goblin can't help it, it's his nature.
He actually wants it to stop,
but the first guy won't let him.
The nice guy smiles and drinks tea
and goes to birthday parties and sings fucking karaoke.
So, maybe it's him, hm,
not the goblin who's the real bad guy.
Maybe he's the one that needs to be stopped.
- You remember everything we discussed?
The order of the information you need to divulge?
Don't be too specific, not at first.
Stay calm, you're innocent, it's a shock.
A simple, horrifying misunderstanding.
When we land, call your lawyer, get him to clear his diary.
- That's it?
- What?
I mean, that's it?
You have nothing else to say?
- Did I miss something?
No, I just have, feel like
you're just sitting there and judging me.
- You know the really scary part, Calvin?
Is I'm not.
I'm thinking about which chat show hosts
are most amenable to mea culpa.
I'm thinking about what colour suit
most reflects honesty and innocence.
I'm thinking about ghost writers and the fact
that I can already name three publishers
who would offer you a shed load of money
to tell your side of the story.
That's what I'm thinking about, Calvin.
- Excuse me.
Hi, I'm sorry to interrupt.
Do you think I could get my laptop back?
It's just it belongs to work and I'll get in trouble if I.
- Of course.
- Thanks.
It was really good seeing you, Robyn.
I'm pleased you're doing so well.
Hope you're happy.
I'm Jamie.
Just a massive fan of your work, man, seriously.
Do you think I could get a quick autograph for my fiancee?
Her name's Pam.
Thank you, my man, I really appreciate it.
Sir, you're going
to have to return to your seat,
we are about to land.
- Oh, sorry, dude.
Sir!
- Yeah, leaving.
Thanks, give my love to Ruth.
- Your pen.
- Uh, keep it, souvenir.
- It's a relief.
It really is, it's exhausting hiding,
you know, this shit inside me.
I'm gonna fix it, I really am.
I'm gonna get my ducks in a row.
I've seen things happen to too many friends.
We're a different generation,
like I'm not saying that as an excuse.
It's just it's a fact.
We're out of time, being sucked down a black hole.
I am sorry for this, and for everything.
This is a real wake-up call, it really is.
And I wanna thank you, Robyn,
because if I get through this, it is all because of you.
Cabin crew, seat belts for landing.
- Oh, fuck!
Well, apologies for the bumpy landing.
The descent was a little more turbulent than we expected,
but we would like to welcome you to JFK, New York.
And although we are now at the...
- Jesus Christ.
Until the seatbelt sign has been turned off.
- Seven voicemails.
- There's a plan in place.
Remain calm, do as we said.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to New York.
The local time is 4:45 p.m.
- Oh my God.
- What?
Remain seated
until the seat belt sign is switched off.
- My brother, he was in a car accident.
That's what the police were calling about.
Stupid son of a bitch, he was texting,
he ran into the back of a Prius.
- Is he okay?
- Christ, hey, he's got like a, you know,
a broken hip but, yeah, no, he's fine.
He's fine, he's stable.
Jesus Christ!
Oh, my God, unbelievable.
Oh, don't I feel like a dumbass.
- So, the laptop?
- Oh, the la, yeah, yeah, I don't know.
I'll text Magda, I'll have her pick it up
whether it's broken or not.
I' mean, it's like a get out of jail free card.
I feel like a cancer victim who just got the all-clear.
I am gonna get fucking fucked up tonight,
we are gonna celebrate, baby.
I'm gonna need you to make a couple of phone calls.
There's an agency that I use here, they know what I like.
Crack a smile.
Come on, it's good times.
This is a Christmas miracle.
Oh, and uh, we should send, uh,
my brother some fruit or something.
What a trip, huh?
- Your phones, madam.
I'm so sorry about that situation earlier.
Oh, just so you know, um, I won't be putting any of it
in my report, so is everything okay?
- Of course.
- Thank you.
- Sent, okay.
I need to get off this goddamn plane
before I embarrass someone.
Hey, will you, uh, grab my bags, will you?
Hey, guess what, I found a pen.
All need is something to sign.
- Oh, excuse me.
- Oh, thank you.
I'd never would have heard the last of it
if we'd lost Daisy.
What do we say, Pen?
- Thank you, Robyn.
Daddy was a bit scared when it was bumpy,
but now I think he's okay.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
- You guys are awesome, can I'help you with your bag?
- Mm-hm.
- Hi, is that Michael?
It's Robyn.
How are you?
How are the kids?
That's great.
Glad to hear it.
Look, I'm gonna need to call in that favour.
- My pleasure.
You still have your connection on the force?
You staying in town?
- Well, there's currently a laptop at Edmonton PC Repair
in Hampstead that they might wanna take a look at.
Belongs to a Mr Cooper.
Yep.
But they're gonna need to move quickly.
Okay.
Great.
I appreciate it.
Michael, this conversation never happened, all right?
♪ And they say that life ♪
♪ So don't spend your time with me ♪
♪ And it was never going to be that easy ♪
♪ I never knew that it would be so hard ♪
♪ Oh, but it was never going to be that easy ♪
♪ 1 was nervous in the dark ♪
♪ Taking favours from the start ♪
♪ And now I'm done ♪